Don't Ask Anymore
by From Her Ashes
Summary: The second in the "Games in the Mind" series. Duo ruminates in a hotel room. Shounen-ai


As usual, I don't own the G-boys.  The song is "Another Suitcase In Another Hall" from "Evita" by Andrew Llyod Webber.  The lyrics up here near the top are by Savage Garden.

_But straight away you just moved into position again  
You abused me in a way that I've never known  
You abused me in a way that I've never known_

Don't Ask Anymore  
By Deathswings

  
Duo stared at the closed door for what seemed like a small eternity. His bags dropped to the floor with a very final **thud**. He was, in a manner of speaking, home. He had just been assigned to this hovel of an apartment until his next assignment, which could be weeks away, or mere minutes, but at least it was somewhere to crash. Somewhere **alone**. Alone.  
He flopped onto the bed. A double bed. Duo's face scrunched up a bit in pain. Why did he insist on doing this to himself? He had requested the double bed knowing that this pain would be the end result. And why? So he could lie to himself and tell himself that it didn't matter to him, that Heero had never meant anything to him to begin with? He curled into a little ball on the bed, his braid wrapping around him in a circle. He looked a little like a serpent biting it's tail, a notion that might have made him chuckle darkly if he had known it. How could he have been so stupid? Even a year later, he still couldn't get rid of this persistent pain in his heart. Every time he moved, every time he packed up and left a place, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could leave Heero there as well, and never have to deal with his memory again. Every time, he was wrong.  
  
_I don't expect my love affairs to last for long,  
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true.  
Being used to trouble I anticipate it.  
But all the same, I hate it.   
Wouldn't you?  
  
_Why couldn't he just forget about him? Heero had never been his, and never would be. He'd known that from the start, hadn't he? But he hadn't expected him to run off, to refuse to speak to his best friend, and former lover.  
Lover… Duo snorted. There hadn't been any love. There had been sex. Really great, mind blowing, completely indescribable sex, but that was it. Heero never loved him, never felt anything for him. How could he have ever believed that Heero would stay? Duo had been all ready to say that he loved him, too. He'd thought he had seen those same emotions in Heero's eyes. How naive he had been. Heero had loved Relena all along.  
  
_So what happens now?  
(Another suitcase, in another hall)  
So what happens now?  
(Take your pictures off another wall)  
Where am I going to?  
(You'll survive, you always have before)  
Where am I going to?  
  
_Now **there** had been a betrayal of the worst kind. Perhaps it wouldn't have hurt so much if Heero had just left. But no… he had to run to **her**. Relena. Even now the name made his blood boil. He used to admire her, and her bravery, even though he thought she was somewhat of a nuisance. Now, he hated her with a destructive vengeance that bordered on the painful. He had never wanted to kill anyone so badly as her. She didn't understand Heero. She didn't deserve him. And he knew, somewhere deep inside his heart he knew, that Heero didn't **really** love Relena. If Heero had found someone better, someone he really loved, someone who could offer him more than Duo could, Duo would have gladly stepped down in favor of Heero's happiness, and damn his own emotions. But Heero hadn't. He had merely blown Duo off and chased his own foolish whims. What did Heero see in her, anyway? Her money? Her power? Or was she merely a convenient fuck like Duo had been?  
  
_Time and time again I've said that I don't care.  
That I'm immune to gloom-  
That I'm hard through and through.  
But every time it matters all my words desert me  
So anyone can hurt me…  
And they do.  
  
_A convenient fuck. Duo chuckled softly, though utterly without humor. He'd been so _sure_. So sure that there was a decent person in Heero. So sure that the heartless monster that he showed the world was merely a cleverly designed facade. Duo didn't expect Heero to see that about himself, or return any feelings of Duo's. Duo never would have asked that, if Heero hadn't wanted him to. All Duo wanted to do was to be allowed to give those feelings to Heero, and Heero alone. It was enough. He had believed in Heero with all his heart and all of his soul, and Heero had let him down in the most horrible way possible. Traitor. Betrayer. _Sinner._  
  
_So what happens now?  
(Another suitcase, in another hall)  
So what happens now?  
(Take your pictures off another wall)  
Where am I going to?  
(You'll survive, you always have before)  
Where am I going to?_  
  
But weren't they all sinners? Duo looked down at his clothes, at the mockery of a priest's outfit that he wore. A priest! What a joke! He was no priest. In fact, he broke the very laws of the 'order' to which he belonged just by being what he was, just by existing as he did. His continued existence was a direct affront to the church he so boldly wore the symbol of.  
More depressed than he could ever remember being in his life, he rose listlessly off the bed and drifted aimlessly towards the bathroom. Like a sleepwalker, he stared at the mirror, at the boy who barely looked like him, the thick braid falling over one shoulder. Not for the first time, he considered cutting the whole mess off. Heero was right- it was something of a distraction. But it was all he had, really. The only reminder of his childhood, of those wounds, and of the reason he had to keep going now.  
  
_Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know.  
Well, maybe not that fine,   
But I'll survive anyhow.  
I won't recall the names and faces of each sad occasion.  
But that's no consolation  
Here and now._  
  
He was roused from this trance by an insistent beeping sound. He emerged from the bathroom, and rummaged through his bags until he found his computer- set to beep if he received any messages until he got it set up. He sighed softly and opened it. He had hoped for a longer peace than this…  
He read the message through until the end, then deleted it. He rose from his knees and packed the computer back into the bag. There had been another message there, but it was from Relena, and frankly, he didn't want to talk to her right now- never mind the fact that she had **found** him to begin with, which meant that the enemy could have found him as well… though the enemy was rarely as persistent as Relena.  
He hoisted his bag onto his shoulder and looked around the room. The room looked identical to when he hand entered it just hours ago, except for some wrinkles on the bed. Duo fluffed out the sheet, smoothing the wrinkles away, and he felt a small cold spot in his soul as the last traces of him left the room. He felt like a ghost. He hated that feeling- the feeling that a place might stop existing once you left it, never to return. He knew that was silly; childish stuff, but he had somewhat believed it as a small child, and he continued to feel echoes of it now. He turned around and walked out the door without looking back. The door clicked shut behind him with a very final sound, the sound of sealing fates.  
  
_So what happens now?  
(Another suitcase, in another hall)  
So what happens now?  
(Take your pictures off another wall)  
Where am I going to?  
(You'll survive, you always have before)  
Where am I going to?_  
  
Duo paused a moment, back resting against the door, fighting the impulse to reopen the door, and see if the room was still there. He closed his eyes, feeling a wave of weariness pass over him. The he sighed, shouldered the bag, and headed for the stairwell.  
  
_(Don't ask anymore….)_


End file.
